Love and... Marriage?

I want to marry Drew. Really bad. Now. Hell, three months ago. Why, you might ask? That's something I've been asking myself a lot lately. I'm not entirely sure I know the answer. The best I can come up with is that it's a combination of things.

Love.
I adore this man beyond belief. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend my life with him. He is everything I'd ever hoped for and so much more. He complements me perfectly, and I always want to be near him.

So there's at least one good reason. I fear the other reasons aren't quite so positive.

Fear.
I'm not even sure what of, really. Intellectually, I know that marriage will not calm any of my fears, but I still desire it. I'm afraid he's going to leave me like everyone else I've loved has done. I think some stupid part of me feels like if we're married, then he won't leave. Or, he'll at least try harder before he gives up. How asinine is that? It's stupid. A piece of paper and hunk of metal don't generally cause a person to try harder or stick around longer. Yet somehow I've convinced myself that I'll feel more safe if we're married.

I think about it every day. We can go to the courthouse, get the certificate, invite our close friends and family, and get married in front of a judge. Or, we can have some really cheap ceremony and have one of our ordained minister friends marry us. We can dress up, bring or close friends and family, get married in a park somewhere on a nice spring Saturday. I don't care how it's done. I just want it done. I want to be his wife. I want to introduce him to people as my husband. I want it so bad, it hurts.

He doesn't, though. At least, not like I do. He's willing to wait so we can have the time to do it 'right'. Real ceremony, real planning, etcetera. Not something done on the cheap that was tossed together over the course of a couple weeks. I can respect that. That's why I haven't expressed to him how I feel. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or scare him off. I'll try to be patient.

I'll try.

I love you, Drew.

Question the Answers

I'm not sure why, but this seemed like a fitting title for this post. Am I questioning the answers? Do I even HAVE answers? Right now all I know is that he's still with me, and I'm still completely in love with him. I'm definitely still questioning things though. I know that without a doubt. Questioning his intentions, whether conscious or otherwise. I still feel like I'm an easy out for him. I solved his roommate problem by giving him a place to live. I solved his loneliness problem by giving him a new friend. I solved his feelings of despair and worthlessness by loving him as deeply as I do. If he has a problem that I can help with, I do everything in my power to fix it. I do it because I love him. I do it because I want him to know that someone cares and has his back. I do it because I'd want him to do the same for me.

I have moments. Moments when he'll hold me close and tell me he loves me and I actually believe him. Moments where I wonder if all my questioning is pointless. Then he'll do something like he did today and it unravels everything. He got told he could start his work shift four hours later than his scheduled start time because they were slow. He commented on how that meant he could spend more time with me. About one-quarter of his extra time, if that, was spent with me at Target. The rest was spent on my computer playing Diablo III, while I laid in bed and played games on my phone until I got so bored and disappointed that I just said fuck it and took a nap. When he said he was happy that he'd get to spend more time with me, I thought he wanted to actually spend time WITH me, not just in the same room as me while we essentially ignored each other. Then I start with the questioning...

Am I wrong? I can't help but be worried that I'm still as giddy as we were the day we met but he seems completely lackluster about me and our relationship. Sex isn't the same, we've basically resorted to one position, and it's happening with much less frequency. He doesn't look at me the same or talk to me the same. He doesn't talk about how happy he is or how lucky he is to have me anymore. We're essentially friends with benefits, which is ironic because that's what I was looking for when we met. I hadn't intended on falling in love. Here I am, though, and I'm doing my best to make it great. I just wish I could say the same for him.

Maybe I'm reading him wrong. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm self-destructing. I don't know. I wish I could afford a therapist to help me sort through these feelings. I need a professional.
I'm still debating on whether or not to talk to him about this. I still can't think of what good it could possibly do other than maybe make me feel better. From a relationship standpoint, I'm worried it would do more harm than good. I don't want to tarnish our connection. We get along so well... I love him.

Love.

The nagging won't go away.

I can't stop feeling it. I'll be fine for a couple days, then it hits me - he doesn't love me as much as I love him. He just doesn't. I worry that he's with me for the same reason I stuck with my ex as long as I did - comfort, support, security - three things I love being able to give him, but I don't want that to be the reason he's with me. Not the primary reason. I want the primary reason to be love. Complete, total, unabashed, eternal love.

We're talking about getting our own apartment together in a few months and as much as I love the idea, I'm also terrified. If he's not truly in love with me, this relationship won't last. That means we'll split up and I won't be able to financially support myself and then my son and I will be screwed. It scares the piss out of me.

I thought about bringing it up to him, my thoughts on how he actually feels about me, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of how he'll perceive me if I do that. Will he think me weak? Insecure? Will it annoy him? How would I even bring that up? ”Hey baby, we need to talk. I think you're using me even if you aren't consciously aware of it, and I don't think you love me as much as I love you. Thoughts?”

That sounds ridiculous. It sounds weak. Pathetic. I'm not used to being a weak person, I've always prided myself on my strength. I don't want him to think I'm fishing for compliments because I'm not. I'm not even sure what talking to him about it would accomplish, aside from making an ass of myself. How is he supposed to react? Be more sweet and romantic even though he doesn't want to? I can only assume that if he wanted to do it, he would have been all along. Is he supposed to apologize? Promise to do better? Really, it's a lose-lose for him. He'll either change nothing and I'll still have doubts or he'll start doing all the things I miss and I know it'll just be because I asked him to, not because he wants to. Poor guy. I know I'm not as crazy as Ashley was, but he certainly could have done better than me. I'm a mess. I promised him that I'd never break up with him over fears or doubts without talking to him about them first, though, so I won't do anything that drastic. Part of me just feels bad. He deserves to be as happy and in-love as I am. He clearly isn't. I wish there was something I could do about that.

I guess in the meantime, I'll just sit back, enjoy him, and wait for him to realize it himself.

Whatever.

Le sigh.

Well, I'm back.

That's a good sign I guess, right?  Two days after my first post and I'm posting again!  Listening to a bit of Bon Iver.  Not sure that's the best idea though, he can be incredibly depressing.  I'm already down enough as it is.

I don't think he loves me as much as I love him.

There, I said it.  I didn't want to, but it had to be done.  We have those silly gross little moments where we'll kiss, and one of us will say, "I love you" and the other responds with, "I love you more" then we go back and forth for a minute... the thing is, when I tell him I love him more, I honestly feel like that's the truth.  I've never wanted someone as much as I want Drew.  In every way.  Physically, mentally, emotionally.  He's one of my best friends, and I love spending time with him.  Talking, laughing, looking at stupid things online, sharing stories about our lives, watching movies, gaming, driving around aimlessly... I just want to be around him all the time, doing things with him.  I think his physical being is absolute perfection.  Every time I look at his face, I melt a little.  Whenever he smiles, and I see that one dimple in his right cheek, I get this overwhelming feeling of joy and happiness and giddiness... butterflies in my stomach, weak knees... and I just think how absolutely beautiful he is, and how lucky I am to have him for my own.  I love being close to him.  Holding his hand, sitting near him, snuggling with him, whatever.  I can't get enough of him.  Going to work every morning pains me, because I know that's 8 hours of my day that I'm going to have to spend away from him.  When I come home from work, all I want to do is hug and kiss him, and then just be with him.  Cook dinner together, go shopping together, game together, even clean together... I don't care.  I just want him with me.  I crave him sexually every day.  His kisses, his soft touches, the way he feels inside me... I guess the short but sweet version of this paragraph is that I want as much of Drew as I can get every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life.  He is perfect for me.  

I don't think he feels the same way about me, and that hurts.  I would kill to have someone who loves me the way I love him.  I want someone that feels as strongly for me as I do for him.  I don't get that vibe from him.  There was a time I did feel that he was head over heels for me, but not anymore.  I mean sure, he kisses on me a lot, tells me he loves me, snuggles with me sometimes... but not like he used to.  I used to wake up every morning to some romantic text message about how perfect and amazing I was, and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  When he would stay the night at my house, I would fall asleep curled up in his arms, completely naked, after hours of love-making.  We were connected at the hip when we were together, and would find any way to talk or see each other (Skype!) when we were apart.  He even downloaded a Skype app to his phone so we could do cam chats when he didn't have computer access.  There was a time where I felt like I was his everything.  I'm not entirely sure when I stopped getting that feeling from him.  Probably within the last couple months.  All the sweet romantic gestures kinda slowed down, some stopped completely. 

I haven't woken up to one of those text messages in months.  I'm falling asleep alone, even when he's here, because he's playing games on my computer.  I used to wake up when he would come to bed, because he'd always curl up close to me and it would stir me out of my slumber.  I don't wake up to him anymore.  I'm not sure if that's because I'm too out of it to wake up, or if it's because he's stopped snuggling with me when he comes to bed... I haven't asked, because I'm afraid to hear the answer.  I used to wake up in the middle of the night, after we were BOTH asleep, to him snuggling with me - either because he'd woken up briefly and wanted to fall asleep again with me in his arms, or he'd woken up to pee and had come back to bed, or something.  I don't wake up to him at all anymore.  If anything, I'll wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, and when I look to see where Drew is at, he's always facing away from me, his back to me.  I miss the way things used to be.  If I would have realized that was only a Honeymoon phase, and it wouldn't last forever, I might have ended things before they started.  I thought he was different, but he's just turning into my ex boyfriend.  We only have sex once every 2-3 days.  It used to be 4-5 times a day, which I know isn't realistic, but I wasn't expecting it to slow down as much as it did.  I told him how much it bugged me that my ex stopped being as sweet and romantic, stopped falling asleep with me, didn't have much sex with me... he told me he wasn't that way.  He IS that way.  It's the exact same fucking way I felt with George.  

So why am I putting up with it?  I don't know.  I love him, obviously.  I'm hoping things will go back to normal maybe?  Or maybe I'll get accustomed to the "new" way things are.  I mean, ultimately, we still get along swimmingly, we make each other laugh and smile, and things are fine.  Part of me feels like I don't have much to complain about.  I just can't get past the thought that I'm completely bonkers for this man and adore everything about him, and he just seems sort of "content" with me.  I feel like he's settling by being with me.  I don't feel like he's wild about me like I am about him.  I try to do all the right things, and say all the right things... I just want him to love me.  I want him to think I'm the sexiest creature that ever walked the Earth.  I want him to want me the way I want him, but I can't force that.  I can't MAKE that happen.  So what does one do?  I'm extremely lost right now.  Do I stay in the relationship?  Do I let him go so he can find someone that he's crazy about?  I don't really want to talk to him about this.  I don't want him to force himself to do or say sweet things that he doesn't naturally want to do.  I just want him to want to do it.  Does that make any sense?  I want to catch him staring at me with this complete look of awe in his eyes, like he catches me doing to him.  

I'm sitting in my living room, bawling, typing out this blog in complete silence, aside from Bon Iver's "Holocene" on repeat.  Drew is maybe 20 feet away, in my bedroom, headphones on, playing Brutal Legend on my computer, completely oblivious...

Here we go again?

I can't even count the number of times I have started a blog with the intention of updating it on a regular basis, only to post to it 2-3 times and then abandon it completely.  In fact, upon creation of this blog, I found a blog I had created a little over a year ago that I had completely forgotten existed.  It's now been deleted.  

So why am I trying again, you might ask?  That's a good question.  One answer would be that the only other place I blog at with any regularity is an adult forum that I can't be as free to discuss the things I want to discuss, due to their TOS.  Another answer would be that I don't really have anywhere else to discuss certain feelings and issues because there are always people that I don't necessarily want seeing my deepest/darkest thoughts and feelings.  Part of me wants an anonymous blog that I can post to freely and say whatever the fuck I want to say, knowing that no one I know is going to be reading it - or if they do, they won't know it's me.  Another part of me thinks, what's the point in writing a blog if no one is going to read it?  I don't plan on sharing this with my friends or family, so I guess it's up to random people to stumble upon?  I feel like typing out all my thoughts is a waste of time, space, and energy if no one reads it.  Often times, I type out all my thoughts in an effort to bounce my ideas and feelings off other people so I can see things from another perspective.  That won't really be happening much here, apparently.  Oh well.  We'll see what happens, I suppose.

So what do I want to discuss on my first new shiny blog post?  I'm not entirely sure... the thing that made me decide to want to go start a new blog would be my relationship.  I've been in nothing but bad relationships until now, and now that I finally have a great boyfriend, I find myself having trust issues (more with myself than him) and lots of fears that I've started projecting onto our relationship, which is never a good thing.  My boyfriend is a spectacular man, and I know that I can discuss these things with him without fear of judgment or negative reaction, but at the same time, I know (or think?) that the issues I'm having are 100% personal and not at all because of him.  That makes me want to not bring these things up to him for fear that he'll get annoyed or disappointed that I'm questioning my feelings for him when he hasn't truly given me any reason to feel that way.  

We met online at the beginning of September 2012.  I was fresh out of a 3-year relationship and he'd been single for probably 9 months from a 3-year relationship as well.  I wasn't looking to start dating.  In all honesty, I was looking for a friend with benefits.  Not just a fuck buddy, mind you, but a true honest friend that I could also partake in sexual acts with.  Of course the vast majority of the replies were from horny men who only wanted to get laid, so I very quickly resigned myself to the idea that this was going to be much more complicated than I had originally thought.  Then my now-boyfriend emailed me in response to my ad.  No dick pictures, no sexual speak whatsoever, just a simple basic email telling me about himself.  So I replied.  We hit it off instantly, and couldn't stop texting/talking from that point forward.  We met in person a week later, and had what I guess you could call a "whirlwind romance".  Two weeks after he first emailed me, we exchanged I-Love-You's.  Every moment we spent together was pure bliss and happiness, and when we weren't together we were constantly in contact; texts, phone calls, Skype calls, online gaming, etcetera.  We get along amazingly well, have similar life views, identical senses of humor, and are sexually compatible as well.  We are the type of couple to speak what the other is thinking, and we can always tell when the other person has something on their mind or is unhappy about something.  I adore him.  Every single fucking inch of him, inside and out.  

So... what the fuck is the problem, you wonder?  Well.  I don't know for sure, but I think it's me.  For one, he isn't working - he hasn't really worked since we met.  He's had a temp job, but the hours are entirely unstable and random and he'll go weeks without getting any hours.  I work your average 40hr/wk job.  His living situation is less than ideal, he has two roommates he doesn't really get along with, and the only furniture he owns is the airbed he sleeps on.  He doesn't have a computer, and didn't really even have much clothes when we met.  Since we started dating, I've helped boost his wardrobe a bit (nothing intense, just a few t-shirts, couple pairs of pants/jeans, and some socks and underwear), I've given him money for food when he couldn't afford to eat, I buy him cigarettes or loose tobacco and rolling papers when he needs them, and now that he's gone so long without working, he's basically moved in with me.  He's looking for a job near my house.  He gets to sleep in a real bed every night, eat as much food as he wants every day for free, has a super sexy gaming computer (that he built for me, I bought the parts) at his disposal whenever he wants it, good internet, cable television, etcetera.  He's got it made.  I bought him new glasses when I got my income tax returns because his were 10 years old, we go out to eat a lot, and he basically gets everything he wants or needs.  I'm a giver.  It's both a blessing and a curse.  While I love being in a position to help people when they need it, I also fear that in this particular situation, part of his "love" for me may be fueled by the ease I give him.  Of course he loves me.  I'm constantly down for having sex with him (which is odd for me... but dear Gods, he's an amazing lover), and again with all the previously-listed items... he has it made.  What can I say?  

So why do I worry that he's using me?  Is it because my self-esteem is so low that I don't feel like I'm worthy of being truly loved?  I teared up as I typed that, so even though that thought isn't prevalent in my day-to-day thinking, it certainly seems to be real and honest.  From what I understand, Drew has been a giver his entire life - always helping others before himself.  This is the first time, I think, he's really just been able to relax and not have to worry about taking care of his significant other.  That's good, I'm glad I can be that person, but maybe subconsciously he's gotten a bit too comfortable?  I will say this - if he IS using me, I don't think it's intentional.  I don't think he wakes up every morning wondering what he can get out of me that day.  I think it just sort of happened.  It felt so good for him to have someone take care of him, that he didn't want it to stop.  

We used to have sex numerous times a day, now it's once a day or once every other day.  We used to be constantly cuddling, making out, watching movies/TV together, talking, etcetera.  Now we don't ever really have "real" conversations, and our days are spent taking turns on the computer, playing games on our phones (oh btw, I bought him his first android phone, too - and added him to my plan), going shopping or out to eat, and just sort of... whatever.  We don't really do anything anymore.  I feel like we're growing apart in some ways.  I feel like the "Honeymoon" phase of our relationship has come to an end, and that really sucks because I was loving that.  I didn't think it would ever end, nor did I want it to.  I've never been a huge cuddler, it always seems like my exes were all over me and I was the one to be like, "Gah, go away."  Now it's the other way around.  I fall asleep alone every night because he's gaming.  I wake up every morning at 7am and go to work while he sleeps until 11am-ish and wakes up to do more gaming (and sometimes look for jobs).  I just want HIM.  He has a beautiful mind and is a great story teller.  I want things to go back to how they were a few months ago.  I want to wake up every morning to sweet texts about how amazing I am and how happy he is that he met me.  I want to go back to long, drawn-out conversations about nothing that are endlessly entertaining and never get boring.  I want to go back to falling asleep in his arms every night.  I want to go back to having as much sex as we can squeeze into a single day.  I want to feel special.  I don't.  I'm not sure if that's his "fault" or mine, but it's my reality.  I don't feel special.  I don't feel loved.  I don't feel like I'm more important.  I don't feel like he wants to take care of me.  I don't feel like he wants to grow old with me (though he says he does).  I feel like he's all talk and little to no action.  

That isn't to say he's completely thoughtless or uncaring.  We do get in some snuggling action every day, he does curl up against me every night when he comes to bed, he is always telling me he loves me and wants me for the rest of his life.  It's just hard to believe that when I lay down to go to bed and he's sitting 3 feet away from me gaming on the computer, or when I call him at noon from work only to find out that he's just woken up, or when I come home after work only to find out that he "forgot" to look for a job that day.  If you love me as much as you say you do, and you want a future with me, then what gives?  Why aren't you trying harder?  Why are unimportant things (like video games) taking precedence?  Why?  Whywhywhywhywhy?  

More importantly, how do I stop it?

I love you, Drew, with every ounce of my being.  Please don't be like every other guy I've ever dated.  Please don't suck me dry (emotionally/financially) and disappear.  Please.  I'm begging you.  Please don't be that guy.  Please live up to the things you said you were when we first met.  I want you for the rest of my life, but not if it's going to be the way it has been for the last month.  I can't do that.