That's a good sign I guess, right? Two days after my first post and I'm posting again! Listening to a bit of Bon Iver. Not sure that's the best idea though, he can be incredibly depressing. I'm already down enough as it is.
I don't think he loves me as much as I love him.
There, I said it. I didn't want to, but it had to be done. We have those silly gross little moments where we'll kiss, and one of us will say, "I love you" and the other responds with, "I love you more" then we go back and forth for a minute... the thing is, when I tell him I love him more, I honestly feel like that's the truth. I've never wanted someone as much as I want Drew. In every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally. He's one of my best friends, and I love spending time with him. Talking, laughing, looking at stupid things online, sharing stories about our lives, watching movies, gaming, driving around aimlessly... I just want to be around him all the time, doing things with him. I think his physical being is absolute perfection. Every time I look at his face, I melt a little. Whenever he smiles, and I see that one dimple in his right cheek, I get this overwhelming feeling of joy and happiness and giddiness... butterflies in my stomach, weak knees... and I just think how absolutely beautiful he is, and how lucky I am to have him for my own. I love being close to him. Holding his hand, sitting near him, snuggling with him, whatever. I can't get enough of him. Going to work every morning pains me, because I know that's 8 hours of my day that I'm going to have to spend away from him. When I come home from work, all I want to do is hug and kiss him, and then just be with him. Cook dinner together, go shopping together, game together, even clean together... I don't care. I just want him with me. I crave him sexually every day. His kisses, his soft touches, the way he feels inside me... I guess the short but sweet version of this paragraph is that I want as much of Drew as I can get every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life. He is perfect for me.
I don't think he feels the same way about me, and that hurts. I would kill to have someone who loves me the way I love him. I want someone that feels as strongly for me as I do for him. I don't get that vibe from him. There was a time I did feel that he was head over heels for me, but not anymore. I mean sure, he kisses on me a lot, tells me he loves me, snuggles with me sometimes... but not like he used to. I used to wake up every morning to some romantic text message about how perfect and amazing I was, and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. When he would stay the night at my house, I would fall asleep curled up in his arms, completely naked, after hours of love-making. We were connected at the hip when we were together, and would find any way to talk or see each other (Skype!) when we were apart. He even downloaded a Skype app to his phone so we could do cam chats when he didn't have computer access. There was a time where I felt like I was his everything. I'm not entirely sure when I stopped getting that feeling from him. Probably within the last couple months. All the sweet romantic gestures kinda slowed down, some stopped completely.
I haven't woken up to one of those text messages in months. I'm falling asleep alone, even when he's here, because he's playing games on my computer. I used to wake up when he would come to bed, because he'd always curl up close to me and it would stir me out of my slumber. I don't wake up to him anymore. I'm not sure if that's because I'm too out of it to wake up, or if it's because he's stopped snuggling with me when he comes to bed... I haven't asked, because I'm afraid to hear the answer. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, after we were BOTH asleep, to him snuggling with me - either because he'd woken up briefly and wanted to fall asleep again with me in his arms, or he'd woken up to pee and had come back to bed, or something. I don't wake up to him at all anymore. If anything, I'll wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, and when I look to see where Drew is at, he's always facing away from me, his back to me. I miss the way things used to be. If I would have realized that was only a Honeymoon phase, and it wouldn't last forever, I might have ended things before they started. I thought he was different, but he's just turning into my ex boyfriend. We only have sex once every 2-3 days. It used to be 4-5 times a day, which I know isn't realistic, but I wasn't expecting it to slow down as much as it did. I told him how much it bugged me that my ex stopped being as sweet and romantic, stopped falling asleep with me, didn't have much sex with me... he told me he wasn't that way. He IS that way. It's the exact same fucking way I felt with George.
So why am I putting up with it? I don't know. I love him, obviously. I'm hoping things will go back to normal maybe? Or maybe I'll get accustomed to the "new" way things are. I mean, ultimately, we still get along swimmingly, we make each other laugh and smile, and things are fine. Part of me feels like I don't have much to complain about. I just can't get past the thought that I'm completely bonkers for this man and adore everything about him, and he just seems sort of "content" with me. I feel like he's settling by being with me. I don't feel like he's wild about me like I am about him. I try to do all the right things, and say all the right things... I just want him to love me. I want him to think I'm the sexiest creature that ever walked the Earth. I want him to want me the way I want him, but I can't force that. I can't MAKE that happen. So what does one do? I'm extremely lost right now. Do I stay in the relationship? Do I let him go so he can find someone that he's crazy about? I don't really want to talk to him about this. I don't want him to force himself to do or say sweet things that he doesn't naturally want to do. I just want him to want to do it. Does that make any sense? I want to catch him staring at me with this complete look of awe in his eyes, like he catches me doing to him.
I'm sitting in my living room, bawling, typing out this blog in complete silence, aside from Bon Iver's "Holocene" on repeat. Drew is maybe 20 feet away, in my bedroom, headphones on, playing Brutal Legend on my computer, completely oblivious...
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