The nagging won't go away.

I can't stop feeling it. I'll be fine for a couple days, then it hits me - he doesn't love me as much as I love him. He just doesn't. I worry that he's with me for the same reason I stuck with my ex as long as I did - comfort, support, security - three things I love being able to give him, but I don't want that to be the reason he's with me. Not the primary reason. I want the primary reason to be love. Complete, total, unabashed, eternal love.

We're talking about getting our own apartment together in a few months and as much as I love the idea, I'm also terrified. If he's not truly in love with me, this relationship won't last. That means we'll split up and I won't be able to financially support myself and then my son and I will be screwed. It scares the piss out of me.

I thought about bringing it up to him, my thoughts on how he actually feels about me, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of how he'll perceive me if I do that. Will he think me weak? Insecure? Will it annoy him? How would I even bring that up? ”Hey baby, we need to talk. I think you're using me even if you aren't consciously aware of it, and I don't think you love me as much as I love you. Thoughts?”

That sounds ridiculous. It sounds weak. Pathetic. I'm not used to being a weak person, I've always prided myself on my strength. I don't want him to think I'm fishing for compliments because I'm not. I'm not even sure what talking to him about it would accomplish, aside from making an ass of myself. How is he supposed to react? Be more sweet and romantic even though he doesn't want to? I can only assume that if he wanted to do it, he would have been all along. Is he supposed to apologize? Promise to do better? Really, it's a lose-lose for him. He'll either change nothing and I'll still have doubts or he'll start doing all the things I miss and I know it'll just be because I asked him to, not because he wants to. Poor guy. I know I'm not as crazy as Ashley was, but he certainly could have done better than me. I'm a mess. I promised him that I'd never break up with him over fears or doubts without talking to him about them first, though, so I won't do anything that drastic. Part of me just feels bad. He deserves to be as happy and in-love as I am. He clearly isn't. I wish there was something I could do about that.

I guess in the meantime, I'll just sit back, enjoy him, and wait for him to realize it himself.

Whatever.

Le sigh.