I can't even count the number of times I have started a blog with the intention of updating it on a regular basis, only to post to it 2-3 times and then abandon it completely. In fact, upon creation of this blog, I found a blog I had created a little over a year ago that I had completely forgotten existed. It's now been deleted.
So why am I trying again, you might ask? That's a good question. One answer would be that the only other place I blog at with any regularity is an adult forum that I can't be as free to discuss the things I want to discuss, due to their TOS. Another answer would be that I don't really have anywhere else to discuss certain feelings and issues because there are always people that I don't necessarily want seeing my deepest/darkest thoughts and feelings. Part of me wants an anonymous blog that I can post to freely and say whatever the fuck I want to say, knowing that no one I know is going to be reading it - or if they do, they won't know it's me. Another part of me thinks, what's the point in writing a blog if no one is going to read it? I don't plan on sharing this with my friends or family, so I guess it's up to random people to stumble upon? I feel like typing out all my thoughts is a waste of time, space, and energy if no one reads it. Often times, I type out all my thoughts in an effort to bounce my ideas and feelings off other people so I can see things from another perspective. That won't really be happening much here, apparently. Oh well. We'll see what happens, I suppose.
So what do I want to discuss on my first new shiny blog post? I'm not entirely sure... the thing that made me decide to want to go start a new blog would be my relationship. I've been in nothing but bad relationships until now, and now that I finally have a great boyfriend, I find myself having trust issues (more with myself than him) and lots of fears that I've started projecting onto our relationship, which is never a good thing. My boyfriend is a spectacular man, and I know that I can discuss these things with him without fear of judgment or negative reaction, but at the same time, I know (or think?) that the issues I'm having are 100% personal and not at all because of him. That makes me want to not bring these things up to him for fear that he'll get annoyed or disappointed that I'm questioning my feelings for him when he hasn't truly given me any reason to feel that way.
We met online at the beginning of September 2012. I was fresh out of a 3-year relationship and he'd been single for probably 9 months from a 3-year relationship as well. I wasn't looking to start dating. In all honesty, I was looking for a friend with benefits. Not just a fuck buddy, mind you, but a true honest friend that I could also partake in sexual acts with. Of course the vast majority of the replies were from horny men who only wanted to get laid, so I very quickly resigned myself to the idea that this was going to be much more complicated than I had originally thought. Then my now-boyfriend emailed me in response to my ad. No dick pictures, no sexual speak whatsoever, just a simple basic email telling me about himself. So I replied. We hit it off instantly, and couldn't stop texting/talking from that point forward. We met in person a week later, and had what I guess you could call a "whirlwind romance". Two weeks after he first emailed me, we exchanged I-Love-You's. Every moment we spent together was pure bliss and happiness, and when we weren't together we were constantly in contact; texts, phone calls, Skype calls, online gaming, etcetera. We get along amazingly well, have similar life views, identical senses of humor, and are sexually compatible as well. We are the type of couple to speak what the other is thinking, and we can always tell when the other person has something on their mind or is unhappy about something. I adore him. Every single fucking inch of him, inside and out.
So... what the fuck is the problem, you wonder? Well. I don't know for sure, but I think it's me. For one, he isn't working - he hasn't really worked since we met. He's had a temp job, but the hours are entirely unstable and random and he'll go weeks without getting any hours. I work your average 40hr/wk job. His living situation is less than ideal, he has two roommates he doesn't really get along with, and the only furniture he owns is the airbed he sleeps on. He doesn't have a computer, and didn't really even have much clothes when we met. Since we started dating, I've helped boost his wardrobe a bit (nothing intense, just a few t-shirts, couple pairs of pants/jeans, and some socks and underwear), I've given him money for food when he couldn't afford to eat, I buy him cigarettes or loose tobacco and rolling papers when he needs them, and now that he's gone so long without working, he's basically moved in with me. He's looking for a job near my house. He gets to sleep in a real bed every night, eat as much food as he wants every day for free, has a super sexy gaming computer (that he built for me, I bought the parts) at his disposal whenever he wants it, good internet, cable television, etcetera. He's got it made. I bought him new glasses when I got my income tax returns because his were 10 years old, we go out to eat a lot, and he basically gets everything he wants or needs. I'm a giver. It's both a blessing and a curse. While I love being in a position to help people when they need it, I also fear that in this particular situation, part of his "love" for me may be fueled by the ease I give him. Of course he loves me. I'm constantly down for having sex with him (which is odd for me... but dear Gods, he's an amazing lover), and again with all the previously-listed items... he has it made. What can I say?
So why do I worry that he's using me? Is it because my self-esteem is so low that I don't feel like I'm worthy of being truly loved? I teared up as I typed that, so even though that thought isn't prevalent in my day-to-day thinking, it certainly seems to be real and honest. From what I understand, Drew has been a giver his entire life - always helping others before himself. This is the first time, I think, he's really just been able to relax and not have to worry about taking care of his significant other. That's good, I'm glad I can be that person, but maybe subconsciously he's gotten a bit too comfortable? I will say this - if he IS using me, I don't think it's intentional. I don't think he wakes up every morning wondering what he can get out of me that day. I think it just sort of happened. It felt so good for him to have someone take care of him, that he didn't want it to stop.
We used to have sex numerous times a day, now it's once a day or once every other day. We used to be constantly cuddling, making out, watching movies/TV together, talking, etcetera. Now we don't ever really have "real" conversations, and our days are spent taking turns on the computer, playing games on our phones (oh btw, I bought him his first android phone, too - and added him to my plan), going shopping or out to eat, and just sort of... whatever. We don't really do anything anymore. I feel like we're growing apart in some ways. I feel like the "Honeymoon" phase of our relationship has come to an end, and that really sucks because I was loving that. I didn't think it would ever end, nor did I want it to. I've never been a huge cuddler, it always seems like my exes were all over me and I was the one to be like, "Gah, go away." Now it's the other way around. I fall asleep alone every night because he's gaming. I wake up every morning at 7am and go to work while he sleeps until 11am-ish and wakes up to do more gaming (and sometimes look for jobs). I just want HIM. He has a beautiful mind and is a great story teller. I want things to go back to how they were a few months ago. I want to wake up every morning to sweet texts about how amazing I am and how happy he is that he met me. I want to go back to long, drawn-out conversations about nothing that are endlessly entertaining and never get boring. I want to go back to falling asleep in his arms every night. I want to go back to having as much sex as we can squeeze into a single day. I want to feel special. I don't. I'm not sure if that's his "fault" or mine, but it's my reality. I don't feel special. I don't feel loved. I don't feel like I'm more important. I don't feel like he wants to take care of me. I don't feel like he wants to grow old with me (though he says he does). I feel like he's all talk and little to no action.
That isn't to say he's completely thoughtless or uncaring. We do get in some snuggling action every day, he does curl up against me every night when he comes to bed, he is always telling me he loves me and wants me for the rest of his life. It's just hard to believe that when I lay down to go to bed and he's sitting 3 feet away from me gaming on the computer, or when I call him at noon from work only to find out that he's just woken up, or when I come home after work only to find out that he "forgot" to look for a job that day. If you love me as much as you say you do, and you want a future with me, then what gives? Why aren't you trying harder? Why are unimportant things (like video games) taking precedence? Why? Whywhywhywhywhy?
More importantly, how do I stop it?
I love you, Drew, with every ounce of my being. Please don't be like every other guy I've ever dated. Please don't suck me dry (emotionally/financially) and disappear. Please. I'm begging you. Please don't be that guy. Please live up to the things you said you were when we first met. I want you for the rest of my life, but not if it's going to be the way it has been for the last month. I can't do that.
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